ok today for some strange reason i felt like planning my life out.
well, not my life.
but what my goals are or whatever
so here's what i want to do:
1) i want to be more... outgoing if you will. today (well not today exactly but no difference) i realized how much of a wuss i am. i dont stand up to the "popular people" (i hate saying that.... its so degrading.) when they make fun of someone or are rude for no apparent reason. i just kind of laugh it off or dont pay attention because...... i dunno why.
2) i dont want to be afraid. yes, this kind of goes with #1, but, not (?). i am currently afraid of (currently as in hopefully i wont be in the next week or so): dressing the way i like to, not the way other people like me to; standing up for myself when a certain friend of mine has a completely different opinion than me (i love her to death but shes a bit overbearing); my parents. ok im not really afraid of them im afraid of what they'll think of me if i screw up something, or if i let them get a rare glimpse into my personal life, and they dont like what they see.
3) i want to be a nicer person. at my school, i am pretty much known to get a little snottier than i need to when someone pisses me off. im not saying i blow up in their face or anything, i just have a hot temper or something.
4) i want to be able to take a chance without looking farther along and knowing i'll regret it. my dad always says "think past the next three seconds". grrr. now not only do i think past the next minute or so, im in eigth grade and already thinking about what mistakes i'll make and the consequences! yeah, eigth grade is almost high school, but i just want to be able to do something that i regret even considering!
5) i want to love myself. im always catching myself doing things that to other people, may seem... odd. and i'll immediately stop what im doing to make sure no one is looking at me funny or laughing their butts off because i acted like a retard. i want to love myself because i can always find something wrong with me. its either my wierd cackle-like laugh, or the gap in my teeth, or my jiggly thighs, or how i always look like i want to kill someone in all the pictures i take, or my.... or my.....
basically, i want to be free. i want to be free from all the mean people in the world that hurt me. free from rules that eliminate the former lust for adventure i once had. free from fear, most of all i think...
wow.
now im all depressed and crap.
*sigh*
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3 comments:
Wow, they're very high goals. At such a young age, that's something I admire coming from you. But I know from experience that it's going to be really hard in the next couple years to actually achieve these goals. Work hard, and remember you can always talk to me!
Yeah, about the dogs...uhh...well, it's a breeding thing. I don't really know how to justify it, only that would YOU want one of these adorable puppies?!? You're an idiot if you say no. XP
ttyl - Lexa
No problem, Alex. I like reading what you have to say, you should think about posting more often. :)
You are a great person and I'm very impressed with the things you want from life. Don't worry, everyone goes through this "who am I?" stage sooner or later, too. I completely reinvented myself between my sophomore and junior years in high school. Well, it sorta started after my freshman year... anyway, we should talk more. Seriously.
You impress your parents every single day. You can mark that off your list!
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